2025 Haters’ Guide to the NL Central #3: St. Louis Cardinals

*Please Note This Is Satire*

I usually write serious articles. This is not one of them.

Trash talk has been an integral part of baseball since its inception.

All the way back in 1912, Ty Cobb ran into the crowd during a game to beat up a fan who was yelling some ... less than savory things at him.

To be very clear, I don’t condone violence, nor racism, nor ableism. I do, however, support the First Amendment and the inalienable right to talk sh*t.

As a baseball fan, you yourself probably talk at least a little trash. Even the most mild-mannered of Brewers fans has said something less than kind about an umpire, or Jesse Winker, or Manny Machado. I know it’s always better to take the high road, and I encourage you, reader, to do so as much as possible.

However, if you’re going to talk trash, do it well. Do it effectively.

This guide is for those of you who like talking trash about our division rivals. This is for the Brewers fans who want to make sure that their Cubs fan coworker thinks twice before referring to AmFam Field/The Field Formerly Known As Miller Park as “Wrigley North.” Next time your buddy from college won’t shut up about how great Paul Skenes is, or about how *insert NL Central team here* won a World Series before the Brewers, come back and find this article. I promise it’ll inspire you.

Welcome to the 2025 Haters’ Guide to the NL Central. Without further ado, the St. Louis Cardinals:

St. Louis Cardinals

Disclaimer: I was born in 2002, so I’ve seen many more great Cardinals teams than great Cubs teams. As a result of this, I have a hatred for the Cardinals reserved for no other team in sports. If you’ve already found my previous two articles much too vitriolic and spiteful for your liking, please save yourself the time and come back for the Cubs edition on Thursday (which is still gonna be pretty bad). If you hate the Cardinals just as much as I do, enjoy.

Owner: Bill DeWitt Jr, and also sort of Bill DeWitt III. In doing research on DeWitt Jr., I discovered he owns 63 Arby’s franchises. I love(d) Arby’s. I had no idea that every Big Beef and Cheddar I’ve bought in my lifetime was going straight to the Cardinals. I probably paid for Yadier Molina’s final year in St Louis myself. Thank you, DeWitt Family, for ruining Arby’s for me. #BoycottArbys

When DeWitt fired Mike Matheny, who’d never finished under .500 as a Cardinal, he had this to say:

“In some places, ‘winning’ is just a winning record, or even .500 is acceptable. Players have a nice season and go home, and get back to their families, and so forth. But not in this city. Not with this franchise. Not with this history. And not with our great fans.”

In six full seasons since firing Matheny, the best season the Cardinals have had was getting swept in the NLCS back in 2019. They haven’t made it out of the Wild Card since. Why is that? Reportedly, DeWitt has mostly passed the ball to his failson, Bill DeWitt III. Junior cared about winning, which was a big part of why St. Louis ranked top ten in payroll for most of the last couple of decades.

DeWitt Jr. is worth over three billion dollars. DeWitt III doesn’t want to spend his daddy’s billions on the baseball team, instead choosing to subsidize half-baked business propositions and claim that “various financial uncertainties” are the reason the Cards can’t spend money. According to DeWitt III, if you’re a real Cardinals fan you’ll show up even if the team sucks because you want the team to earn revenue. At this point, the DeWitts are basically a real estate corporation that also happens to run a baseball team.

Manager: Oliver “Oli” Marmol. It’s kind of annoying that I can’t find anything bad about him. Tony “I’m a Hall of Fame baseball person” LaRussa is/was a raging alcoholic. Mike Matheny was probably drunk, too, the way he managed the bullpen. Mike Shildt has anger issues that probably developed due to dealing with DeWitt III and John Mozeliak (more on him later).

Marmol is a devout Christian who takes mission trips to Central America in the offseason. Both of his brothers are pastors. He has a career record over .500 despite DeWitt III. Annoying.

President of Baseball Ops:

John Mozeliak, who’s retiring this year because he knows everyone hates him:

“... When they boo me, I can say, ‘I’m leaving. You got your wish. Like, celebrate the moment.’”

Recently, he’s been great at turning a profit and bad at building a winning baseball team. Mozeliak has traded away:

• Zac Gallen
• Adolis Garcia
• Sandy Alacantra
• Randy Arozarena

At least he got the Rockies to pay him $50 million to take Nolan Arenado, who’s had an OPS+ under 110 each of the last two seasons (and so far this season).

Mozeliak will be replaced by Chaim Bloom, The Guy Who Traded Mookie Betts. Bloom repeatedly failed to make consequential trade deadline acquisitions that put the contending Red Sox over the edge. Hopefully, he’ll do the same for the Cardinals.

Position Players Worth Mentioning: Masyn Winn (middle name Blaze, which is a pretty sick name if you’re an unemployed stoner) is the starting shortstop. Masyn Blaze has four siblings — Brandyn, Dustyn, Jazmyn, and Kevyn. His parents are named Tiffany and Earl, so I have no idea where all the Y’s come from. His last name isn’t even Wynn with a Y. Can’t wait to see his sons Jaydyn, Austyn, and Camyryn suit up in the majors someday.

Nolan Arenado is still here, although he — like Eric Bledsoe on the 2017 Suns — doesn’t wanna be here anymore. Arenado did just decline a trade to the Angels, which says absolutely nothing. I’m sure he’d rather go play in Korea than play for that disaster franchise. Can’t blame Arenado for not wanting to go the way of former Cardinals stars Albert “Fat Albert” Pujols and David Freese.

Speaking of Freese, he single-handedly won the Cardinals a World Series and made an All-Star team a year later. His reward? Being traded to the Angels for Peter Bourjos (0.5 WAR as a Cardinal) and Randal “Soul Patch” Grichuk. That’s Grichuk’s official team photo from the 2013 season, which is hilarious to me. Dude woke up, decided to shave for photo day, and said, “You know what? I think the soul patch works!” At least he eventually realized it doesn’t.

Brendan Donovan, who looks like a less Irish (but still Irish) and deeply depressed Justin Turner, is the Cards’ best hitter (134 OPS+ so far this season). Donovan is making less than $3 million this year, which means that DeWitt III will trade him as soon as he demands more money. Why have a Gold Glover hitting .318 in the middle of the lineup when you could have an apartment complex instead? One is an expense, and one is passive income — we already know where DeWitt’s priorities stand.

While doing research for this article, I discovered that Lars Nootbaar is from El Segundo, California, not the Netherlands. Nootbaar sounds like a Dutch candy bar (maybe a version of the Mars Nutbar?)

Willson Contreras is also a Cardinal, but I won’t say anything bad about him because I love his brother so much. Fun personal anecdote that nobody cares about — Contreras’ major league debut coincided with the first game I ever saw at AmFam South. Also, he’s an outspoken advocate on human rights and election integrity issues in the Contreras’ home country of Venezuela. I hope he demands a trade so he can catch again.

Pitchers Worth Mentioning: Matthew Liberatore, who has a 3.05 ERA on the season. Sonny Gray, who finished second in AL Cy Young voting in 2023. Both pitchers are pitching well this season and, like Marmol, are squeaky clean. Literally nothing to make fun of (besides Liberatore’s 4.64 career ERA). What are they hiding?

Miles Mikolas has a dope mustache. He also wants Cardinals fans to “eat sh*t.” Exactly how I want players on my favorite team to talk about the fans.

Former Cardinals Worth Mentioning: There are so many Cardinals players from my childhood that I absolutely hated. This is a special section dedicated to those players.

Obligatory reminder that the Cardinals are cool with their players drunk driving if they’re good at baseball. The Cards DFA’ed 2006 World Series hero Scott Spiezio (-0.2 WAR in his final season) after he crashed his Beamer while drunk and fled the scene. If you’re still good, like Freese or Tony LaRussa, a couple of DUIs are no big deal.

Speaking of Tony LaRussa, not only is he an alcoholic — he’s also a cheater. From former Cy Young winner Jack McDowell:

“We had a system in the old Comiskey Park in the late 1980s,” McDowell, who coaches at Queens University, told the radio station Friday. “The Gatorade sign out in center had a light; there was a toggle switch in the manager’s office and [a] camera zoomed in on the catcher.

“I’m gonna whistle-blow this now because I’m getting tired of this crap. There was that — Tony La Russa is the one who put it in. ... He’s still in the game making half a million, you know? No one is going to go after that. It’s just, this stuff is getting old where they target certain guys and let other people off the hook.”

I hate Tony LaRussa even more than I hate the Astros. He barely even made it to .500 in his first tenure with the White Sox. Despite cheating. What a loser. Oh, and he’s also a virulent racist.

LaRussa wasn’t even the only cheater on those early 2010s Cardinals teams. Unlike LaRussa, Chris Correa wasn’t even original about it. Like LaRussa, Correa ended up in jail.

Former Cardinals ace Carlos Martinez’s career ended after he was suspended for domestic violence. While he was already suspended for PEDs. He’s just one suspension away from the Suspension Triple Crown. As a Cardinal, the easiest way for him to get there would probably be — say it with me — drunk driving.

Rafael Furcal just got arrested on a felony charge for “throwing a missile” at someone in a Publix parking lot. Yes, this happened in Florida. The guy Furcal assaulted allegedly beat him up afterwards, proving that — like most Cardinals fans — he doesn’t stand a chance in a fair fight.

The worst first pitch of all time, courtesy of 50 Cent:

Vs. Rick Ankiel in the NLDS:

Pujols, who made it to 700 career home runs in his 37-year career, was actually the slowest professional athlete that I’ve ever seen in my life. Yes, that includes B.J. Raji, Eddie Lacy, and Buccaneers Tom Brady.

Finally, this is the best place to discuss Satan himself, Yadier Molina. I know profanity shouldn’t be used as a crutch for humor. However, I would be remiss not to use my platform to say, loudly:

F*** Yadier Molina.

Dude thinks a poorly done neck tattoo makes him badass. Nope, he’s as soft as a pillow. Among his career highlights:

• Spitting in Brandon Phillips’ face. Soft. Shoutout to Johnny Cueto for trying to kick him in the face in the ensuing brawl.
• Threatening D-backs manager Torey Lovullo on Instagram. Molina said in an interview that Lovullo called him a motherf***er, which is why he lost his cool. That’s all it takes? Soft.
• Molina also said in a later Instagram post that Lovullo “sh*t on his mother.” Yadi played 19 seasons in America and apparently still doesn’t understand that the term motherf***er isn’t literal. Soft. Nobody actually thinks you f***ed your mother, Yadi, but he who doth protest...
• Demanding that Adam Jones apologize to the entirety of Puerto Rico because Jones (correctly) pointed out that Team Puerto Rico had already had WBC Championship t-shirts made before their 8-0 loss to Team USA. Soft.
• Various other passive-aggressive Instagram posts that a 13-year-old emo would consider much too dramatic. Soft.

Yadi is quite literally my least favorite player, in any sport, of all time. He’s also soft enough that he just might threaten me on Instagram over this. Little does he know that I speak fluent Spanish and love talking trash. Vete a la verga, carajo. Te odio, pendejo. Goes for you, too, Tony, since apparently you also speak Spanish.

The Ballpark: Busch Stadium. Busch is a garbage beer for a garbage team. We can’t all play at Miller Park. Just the thought of Busch Peach immediately triggers fevered, PTSD-induced flashbacks of dark, damp frat houses and terrible EDM. Nobody over the age of 23 should drink Busch. Budweiser is acceptable.

I can’t lie, though. Busch Stadium is pretty nice. It also gets points for affordable and really, really good food options. The brisket mac n’ cheese is incredible ballpark food. If you can’t finish all of it, leave it on the ground. I guarantee a drunk Cardinals fan will ask you if they can eat it within an inning.

The Fans: Are so hated that even Redbird Rants, the Cardinals' FanSided page, had to write a whole article explaining to their fans why everyone hates them. They obviously have a disturbing lack of self-awareness because the article attributes much of the reason to ... envy?

The real reason is that Cardinals fans constantly talk trash when they’re winning and absolutely melt down when they’re bad. They’re like Cubs fans, but they actually know baseball (which makes them significantly more annoying). They are both sore winners and sore losers. They also have a considerable victim complex — see the above article.

The City: Every Chi-Raq joke about Chicago should actually be directed at St. Louis. The city I grew up in (known by locals as the Florida of California) is basically Gotham City at this point. I’ve also lived in East Los Angeles and Buenos Aires, so I’ve seen it all.

St. Louis is measurably worse than any of those places. Missouri’s second biggest city has the highest crime rate of any city with a baseball team, including Los Angeles, Baltimore, and Detroit. The only American city that has it beat is Memphis, TN. Guess where the Cardinals’ Triple-A affiliate plays?

A friend of mine from California spent a couple of years working in Hamilton Heights, north St. Louis. Apparently residents of the area have a 1-in-11 chance of becoming a victim of violent or property crime in any given year. Seven different neighborhoods in St Louis have a higher crime rate. Yes, my friend got robbed at gunpoint. Also had his car stolen.

St. Louis sucks. Don’t take it from me, though. Hear it from actual St. Louis residents:

• “I’ve lived in STL for almost nine years now, and I can’t figure it out. From the insane drivers to nightly violent crime sprees, it just seems like there are a lot of psychopaths here. Is it lead in the water? Is it radiation poisoning? It can’t be the “lack” of police, because I’ve lived in towns that had no cops at all and people still behaved somewhat normally.”
• “All I want is to be able to drive on the highway without almost getting nailed by (an) Altima.”
• “I mean at least we are #1 in STD’s. We have that goin for us.”
• “The city’s new ad campaign: ‘Saint Louis: It beats living in Mississippi’.”
• “I really miss my family back home and the friends I left behind but every single time I go back to STL to visit I am reminded of how much there is going on in STL that was causing me to be depressed.”

St. Louis also spent $130 million (adjusting for inflation) on an architectural wonder because the city has literally no other redeeming qualities. It’s a slightly bigger, equally depressing version of Springfield, Illinois.

STL is the gateway to the West because poor people in the 19th century decided they’d rather fight Native Americans and forage for food than live in St. Louis.

Next up: the Chicago Cubs